It’s 0530 am. I’m in the living room. I’m sitting in a comfortable chair, looking at the wood burning in the fireplace. The fire is the only light. I’m surrounded by darkness. I’m all alone, and not a single sound is available.
I have absolutely no energy left.
I’ve been working all day and all night for more than a week. It seems that I have had a reaction. It didn’t use to be like this. When I was younger, I played video games for days without sleeping or eating. It wasn’t work, but I could keep it going for a very long time, as long as I was in the zone. The same happened when I was a student, and I was reading for my exams or had some papers due, or for whatever reason I needed to get a lot done in a short time.
I still get in the zone, but it’s a different zone, and age makes it different.
The reason I have been working a lot is all because of the expo at the college. We invited our “enemies” inside. It was a huge success. We haven’t evaluated it just yet, but from the feedback I’ve received, and from my gut feeling, it was a huge success.
… and now it’s all over.
A few minutes after it was all finished, I felt that my body had no more energy left. I woke up the next day and I was feeling ill. I had a cold, it was almost like I had the flu. I’m still coughing, more than a week later.
It got me thinking.
About how different I am.
Age makes me different, and it makes me think in a different way. I’m looking at the world, and I realize that the world didn’t use to look straight back at me, but that’s exactly what’s happening now. It seems that every time I open my eyes and look around me, I get an immediate reaction.
It makes me a little worried.
Age is doing something to me. Age is doing something with the surroundings. Age is doing something with the people around me. And it’s been happening to me for a while.
And then thoughts of my dad entering the room appears.
I’m watching his tattoes. A red arrow on his left arm. A red heart on his right arm. I’m not sure if that’s even his tattoes. I can’t remember. I’ve never asked him why he got them. But I like to make up my own stories, and the stories are different every time.
When I look into his eyes, I can see what he is thinking of. I’m still the same little boy that I’ve always been. I’m wondering if he’s altered his thinking at all, or if it’s just me? Age makes us do different things. But, what is it like to grow older, how does it make us think of our children? I’m 39 years old, but I’m still his little kid.
I’m a lot more creative now. And I’m a lot more adventerous when it comes to my thoughts. But, only when it comes to my thoughts. I have a fear of flying, and I almost never do anything without being in complete control. Age has made me a different person.
I’m drinking tea. It’s 0600 am, and it’s still completely dark outside, and not a single sound available. The only light available is from my computer screen, and a small lamp in the corner of the room. The wood in the fireplace has stopped burning. I forgot to do something about it. I’m writing on my novel. And, I’m thinking, what am I really doing out of bed? Age makes me ask different questions.
The Expo attracted students from all over the county, and the college was packed with people. Colleges and Universities from around the country was present, and so was my dad. My dad walked in, along with the kids, looking for me. I said hi to him, and made a two minute presentation of the expo, and that was it. I had to run off to help some guy. That was the only time I saw my dad. But I got to look into his eyes, and I discovered that the only reason he showed up was to tell me that he’s proud of what I am doing.
He never uses words to express it, but he doesn’t have to. To me, parents never get older.
They still treat me as I am a little irresponsible kid. And at the same time they’re so proud of everything I’m doing, and every little accomplishment I am making. But, they are always worrying, so I don’t ask them questions like how to name a business, because if I did, they’ll start asking questions, and they’ll lose sleep, and they’ll keep asking questions, and they’ll end up calling, and they’ll eventually show up, maybe not at 0530 am, but they’ll be occupying my thoughts, and they’ll keep me worrying. And I’ll keep them worrying.
Again, it’s about age. It didn’t use to be like that.
I used to get annoyed when my parents showed up, especially when they showed up out of nowhere, just to look at what I was doing. It was like they wanted to check up on me. And control what I was doing, and tell me what I really should be doing.
Now, at least when I’m thinking about it at 0610 am, I’m cherishing every moment I have left with my parents. I have realized that it’s more to life than what meets the eye, and that we all have different reasons why we are doing things. And that being a dad has changed my behavior, and it’s only because of that, that I understand why my parents are doing what they keep doing, and if you add age to the equation, everything makes sense.
I need to take action. The fireplace doesn’t have any fire left. The wood stopped burning a while ago, and I just keep looking at it, like it’s going to light itself. It takes me a long time to realize that I’m in control of my own destiny. If I want light, I need to take action. If I want anything, I need to take action.
It’s all about age.
A few months ago, I was speaking about the benefits of social media to people who are older than my parents. As soon as I entered the room I discovered a man who could hardly hear a word that anyone was saying, a lady who was very short-sighted, and tall, thin man, with a bad back. I believe the oldest one in the room was a 94-year old woman. She smiled at me all through the presentation. While speaking, I looked closely at some of them, and I focused on their eyes. I zoomed in, and I felt like I could see their youth through their eyes. I could see how they used to look at the world, how they used to behave, and it was like I transfered energy from me to them. It was like, in that room, at that specific time, we were all the same age, we were all doing the same things, and we had the feeling that we were living in the same world at the same time. But, as soon as the last slide was showing on my presentation, it all stopped. The man with the hearing aid, could hardly hear a word anyone was saying, the short-sighted lady couldn’t see what was going on, and the man with the bad back, it all came back to me. The world is different to different people.
As I walked out of the room, I couldn’t stop thinking about age. Age will have a major impact on who I am, and what I’ll be doing the next years of my life.
It’s 0625, and I know that 2012 is going to be a fantastic year, I can feel it, and I believe that age is the reason. I have a lot more confidence now, and I have a lot more experience, and I’m a lot more creative, and I’m in a lot more control then ever before, and it’s all because of age, and the mindset. My thoughts are strong and powerful, and they are helping me.
… the only thing that worries me, is that the older I get, the more time I spend being worried. That’s what age is doing to me. But that’s not necessary a bad thing. It just means that I care a lot more.
This is what it feels like starting my first business when I’m 39 years old. I worry about every small detail; about my dad, and my kids, and things that people younger than me wouldn’t think about when starting out. But I’m open minded, and more creative than ever. And I have realized that I need to take action to cause a reaction. And that every small detail counts.